East Campus Secede from Wellesley

On March 15 East Campus declared its Secession from Wellesley College.  The residents of EC have expressed discontent with CG’s attention to their needs. Also because “everyone hates on us so much,” stated rebellion leader Rachel Sandburg ‘13. 

Prior to its succession EC released a list of demands that must be met or “dramatic action would follow.”   Demands included but were not limited to requiring 50% of org meetings must be held on East Campus; an East Campus Center must be built; all residents must receive segues and/or golf carts; an East Campus lake must be built; the aforementioned lake must be filled with killer whales and giant squids and “other awesome things that are one hundred percent more awesome than anything in Waban;” and a secret underground warehouse must be built where East Campus can hold parties, raves, and ritual animal slaughters.

College Government denied all of EC’s demands stating, “They’re being ridiculous.  East and West Campus are equally valued by all Wellesley students. East Campus has just as many facilities as West.  At least that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never been there. It’s so far from the Quad and the Lulu.”

After their demands were rejected, Sandburg had the residents of East Campus erect a six foot tall electric fence covered in barbed wire and poisonous snakes (that are impervious to electricity) separating East and West Campus, stating, “We will no longer endure your West Campus elitism. The East Campus is strong on its own and does not need support from the rest of Wellesley. Anyone who attempts to cross this fence will be stripped of their GPA on sight.”

Students from East Campus claim that they have been discriminated against by their peers. Jennifer Liu ‘16 states, “I made all of these friends during orientation, but they all live in the Quint. During the school year I gradually saw less and less of them. My ex-friend Taylor told me it’s just because she ‘can’t be friends with a psychopath’ after I followed her around all day Monday, but I know it’s really because I live on East.”

Becky Wineworth ’14 rejects the existence of East Campus discrimination stating, “There totally isn’t any East Campus discrimination. One of my best friends lives on East!”

Wellesley Enforces Dress Code After a Student Lost her Legs

On Thursday March 14^th Wellesley announced that it would begin to enforce a dress code after Sophomore Jodie Leah caught frostbite and had to have her legs amputated. 

Last Saturday Jodie and her friends attended a frat party at MIT.  Jodie was reportedly wearing a bright blue mini skirt and a neon yellow tank top, despite the 20° weather and heavy snowfall.  The seven friends she was with were dressed in similar attire, notably lacking any suitable form of outerwear. 

When asked about her clothing decisions Jodie said, “I didn’t really care at the time.  I mean, I was going to a party.  Do you expect me to wear pants? That’s ridiculous.  Frostbite’s something you always hear people talking about, but you never think it’ll happen to you, until it does.”  

She also reported that twelve other students and four faculty members all told her she should change her outfit.

“They told me things like ‘Are you insane?’ and ‘Your legs are literally going to fall off.  Put on some goddamn pants, or at least tights or something.’ I didn’t think anything would actually happen though.”

The new dress code requires that all students have something covering their bodies from the waist down, and carry at least a light jacket when temperatures are below freezing. 

Many students question whether the new dress code is ethical.  One student stated, “The College doesn’t have the authority to tell us what to wear.  If I want to run naked through Sev Green in the middle of a snowstorm I will. Fight the power.” 

Other students question how this will be enforced.  The official policy is that bus drivers on the Peter Pan will make judgment calls on whether or not the students are adequately clothed.  However, students can still take off layers as soon as they get off the bus.

An administrator said, “It’s an honor code thing.  We won’t be there all the time to check what you’re wearing, but we expect students to hold themselves to high standards.”

Wellesley is also starting a “good Samaritan” policy, similar to the alcohol policy.  “If your friend is at risk of loosing a limb due to inadequate clothing, you can call the limb-loss-hotline and a ski jacket will be delivered to you free of charge, and no one will receive disciplinary action.  If the friend looses a limb or a third party calls the hotline you will have to appear before the Honor Council.”

In addition, a new non-profit student group called “Warmth for Wellesley” will walk around MIT and Harvard campuses with electric blankets to hand out to cold Wellesley students waiting for the bus.

Library to Move in Time Space Continuum

When library hours were changed from 10p.m. to 2a.m., students were thrilled that they would have more time to study in the library.  While this helped students spend more time on research papers in the library, it did not actually give them more time to study, as there are still only 24 hours in a day.  The general consensus among students was that while it was nice to have a space they could stay in longer to study, what they really needed was more hours in the day to study. 

Based on this reaction, Wellesley’s Physics Department has come up with a solution.  They will move Clapp Library out of our current time-space continuum.  The engineer of this, Peter Van Houten explains, “In our reality we only have 24 hours in a day.  However, as it turns out, if we shift the Clapp Library two feet to the left it will enter an alternate dimension.  In this dimension time operates differently.  What is a minute in our reality is three hours in the other dimension.  It’s like in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.  You could spend a year in there, come back, and only a few minutes will have past.”

While this new system has its perks, there are also potential problems with it.   The main issue is that while time physically slows down, students will still age as if they were in a single time stream.  Theoretically speaking, a student could enter the library as an 18-year-old one minute, and leave as a 60 year old the next.  The College plans on taking measures to prevent such aging discrepancies.

 The student body has responded enthusiastically to these changes.  “I honestly don’t know why it took Wellesley so long to come up with this,” one senior says. “The concept is simple enough, and if they had done this earlier my GPA would definitely be more than 3.7.” 

A second student responded, “Now I don’t need to worry about balancing my double major, Harvard boyfriend, hospital internship, eboard positions and friends. I can have it all!”

Society to be Reviewed After Initiates Attempt to Steal Declaration of Independence

Wellesley College investigates society hazing after an unnamed society coerced new members into attempting to steal The Declaration of Independence as part of a “bonding exercise.” 

On the morning of Wednesday February 19^th, the four new initiates took the train down to Washington D.C. to begin their escapade. The plan was to wait until dark to strike.  Eunice Roberts, a computer science major, would disarm the alarms from inside a large van inconspicuously parked in front of the National Archives.  Then Megan Richardson, a busty blond would distract the guards with here feminine charms.  Art History major Helena (but with a silent “h”) De Luca would then be lowered down from the ceiling Mission Impossible style, grab the Declaration from it’s glass casing, and throw it up to track star Georgia Adams, who would run the Declaration all the way back to the society’s house.

The plan quickly went south when Eunice drove the van back to campus midway through to get a head start on midterm studying, Megan’s ability to recite Shakespeare by memory failed to impress the guards, Helena (with a silent “h”) became distracted by a painting’s juxtapositional use of color and textures, and Georgia fell asleep on the roof of the building because she had been up since 4a.m. for cross country practice. 

While the four claim that the society members forced them into breaking the law, the society president claimed that stealing the Declaration of Independence was simply an “optional bonding exercise” for new members. 

The president of the society commented, “This kind of bonding exercise is something all society girls go through.  When I first joined the new initiates and I broke into the oval office and stole one of the president’s pens.  What we had them do was much less severe.  Also, I really don’t think it’s fair that we are the only society getting in trouble for this.  This is something that all societies do.  The TZE initiates stole a Greek statue from the British museum.  ZA stole the original handwritten copy of Pride and Prejudice.  Agora cut a hole in The Magna Carta.  This is completely unfair.”

As of the present the college is still considering what disciplinary rout to take.  

Wellesley to Construct Solid Gold Hillary Statue

On Tuesday it was announced that Wellesley will begin to build a 40-meter tall statue of Hillary Clinton.  The statue will be in the middle of Sev Green and constructed completely out of 24 karat gold. 

Many colleges have a statue of their founder or mascot somewhere on campus.  It was recently brought to the Senate’s attention that Wellesley lacks such a spirited monument.  A debate quickly ensued about what statue the college should build.  The first idea was to have a statue of the college’s founder, but this idea was overturned because the council agreed that it was “crazy boring and stuff.”  The second idea was to have a statue of the school’s mascot, Blue.  The council discussed possible routes this could take, including a giant blue puddle or raindrop.  This idea was also turned down because, as one member stated, “we don’t want to draw attention to the fact that we have the world’s lamest mascot, the color blue.” It was eventually decided that the college will build a statue in honor of Wellesley’s unofficial mascot, Hillary Clinton.  

This endeavor will cost the college upwards of 46 million dollars.  “Of course this will be expensive,” one sophomore comments, “we need to import like, six hundred seventy five tones of gold.”

Along with being very pricy, the building of the statue is estimated to take up to five years.  While many students think this will inconvenience their studies, the Senate has come up for a solution.  Wellesley’s mandatory PE graduation requirement will be changed to “Statue Building.”  By doing this not will the college be able to employ free labor, but the students will also feel a sense of pride in the statue as their blood and sweat was literally put into building it.    

Shelly Sherman says, “Sure the building of this statue has its downsides. Will it literally cost the college millions of dollars? Yes. Will the statue’s height violate building codes? Probably. Will it inconvenience everyone on campus? Depends who you ask.  But will seeing our girl Hillary clad in gold gleaming in the sunlight be worth it all? That’s a definitely.”

The only thing left to be decided is what pose Hillary will be in.  Waving at the students as they pass by? Studiously reading a book? Holding a cell phone in her ‘texts from Hillary’ pose? All possibilities.  More to come as the events unfold.
 

Wellesley to Build Privilege Check Room

Due to increased complaints from the general student body on the inability for certain individuals to “check their privilege,” the college is designing a “privilege check room.”  Instead of students having to constantly self check their privilege, students may register for a privilege check where for a given amount of time a student may leave their privilege at the check room and reclaim it at a later time. One senior organizer of this concept states, “This is by far one of the most useful an innovative concepts that Wellesley has ever seen.“

It is widely believed that someone’s privilege is a non-physical entity that cannot actually be handed over to someone.  According to science however, this is a flawed concept.  The “privilege cortex” is in fact a spherical luminescent globe (varying in size based on the amount of privilege one has) that resides behind the tonsils.  Although tonsils were long thought to be a vestigial structure, they are in fact there to protect the privilege cortex from being damaged by food, like pizza or falafel.   

The Privilege Check Room will work much like a coat check.  People who wish to check their privilege will register at the front desk.  After this, a certified privilege physician will perform a short and painless operation to remove the privilege cortex.  The privilege is then deposited into the privilege galleria: a vault-like structure that is temperature and pressure controlled to prevent damage to the privileges.  The client may have their privilege reinserted by the aforementioned physician upon graduation.  If they do not wish to have their privilege reinserted, they may also have their privilege cremated and returned to them in a decorative urn.  

Participant Alexandra Van Buren comments, “This sounds like a great idea.  After the Privilege Check Room is built I won’t need to worry about accidentally talking about the trip I took to the Bahamas during Wintersession, making all my friends uncomfortable.”

While many are singing the praises of this new innovation, some students protest this new installation, claiming that everyone has the right to their privilege and the room will pressure students into giving up their privileges.