Monday, February 25, 2013

Society to be Reviewed After Initiates Attempt to Steal Declaration of Independence

Wellesley College investigates society hazing after an unnamed society coerced new members into attempting to steal The Declaration of Independence as part of a “bonding exercise.” 

On the morning of Wednesday February 19th, the four new initiates took the train down to Washington D.C. to begin their escapade. The plan was to wait until dark to strike.  Eunice Roberts, a computer science major, would disarm the alarms from inside a large van inconspicuously parked in front of the National Archives.  Then Megan Richardson, a busty blond would distract the guards with here feminine charms.  Art History major Helena (but with a silent “h”) De Luca would then be lowered down from the ceiling Mission Impossible style, grab the Declaration from it’s glass casing, and throw it up to track star Georgia Adams, who would run the Declaration all the way back to the society’s house.

The plan quickly went south when Eunice drove the van back to campus midway through to get a head start on midterm studying, Megan’s ability to recite Shakespeare by memory failed to impress the guards, Helena (with a silent “h”) became distracted by a painting’s juxtapositional use of color and textures, and Georgia fell asleep on the roof of the building because she had been up since 4a.m. for cross country practice. 

While the four claim that the society members forced them into breaking the law, the society president claimed that stealing the Declaration of Independence was simply an “optional bonding exercise” for new members. 

The president of the society commented, “This kind of bonding exercise is something all society girls go through.  When I first joined the new initiates and I broke into the oval office and stole one of the president’s pens.  What we had them do was much less severe.  Also, I really don’t think it’s fair that we are the only society getting in trouble for this.  This is something that all societies do.  The TZE initiates stole a Greek statue from the British museum.  ZA stole the original handwritten copy of Pride and Prejudice.  Agora cut a hole in The Magna Carta.  This is completely unfair.”

As of the present the college is still considering what disciplinary rout to take.  

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Wellesley to Construct Solid Gold Hillary Statue

On Tuesday it was announced that Wellesley will begin to build a 40-meter tall statue of Hillary Clinton.  The statue will be in the middle of Sev Green and constructed completely out of 24 karat gold. 

Many colleges have a statue of their founder or mascot somewhere on campus.  It was recently brought to the Senate’s attention that Wellesley lacks such a spirited monument.  A debate quickly ensued about what statue the college should build.  The first idea was to have a statue of the college’s founder, but this idea was overturned because the council agreed that it was “crazy boring and stuff.”  The second idea was to have a statue of the school’s mascot, Blue.  The council discussed possible routes this could take, including a giant blue puddle or raindrop.  This idea was also turned down because, as one member stated, “we don’t want to draw attention to the fact that we have the world’s lamest mascot, the color blue.” It was eventually decided that the college will build a statue in honor of Wellesley’s unofficial mascot, Hillary Clinton.  

This endeavor will cost the college upwards of 46 million dollars.  “Of course this will be expensive,” one sophomore comments, “we need to import like, six hundred seventy five tones of gold.”

Along with being very pricy, the building of the statue is estimated to take up to five years.  While many students think this will inconvenience their studies, the Senate has come up for a solution.  Wellesley’s mandatory PE graduation requirement will be changed to “Statue Building.”  By doing this not will the college be able to employ free labor, but the students will also feel a sense of pride in the statue as their blood and sweat was literally put into building it.    

Shelly Sherman says, “Sure the building of this statue has its downsides. Will it literally cost the college millions of dollars? Yes. Will the statue’s height violate building codes? Probably. Will it inconvenience everyone on campus? Depends who you ask.  But will seeing our girl Hillary clad in gold gleaming in the sunlight be worth it all? That’s a definitely.”

The only thing left to be decided is what pose Hillary will be in.  Waving at the students as they pass by? Studiously reading a book? Holding a cell phone in her ‘texts from Hillary’ pose? All possibilities.  More to come as the events unfold.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Wellesley to Build Privilege Check Room

Due to increased complaints from the general student body on the inability for certain individuals to “check their privilege,” the college is designing a “privilege check room.”  Instead of students having to constantly self check their privilege, students may register for a privilege check where for a given amount of time a student may leave their privilege at the check room and reclaim it at a later time. One senior organizer of this concept states, “This is by far one of the most useful an innovative concepts that Wellesley has ever seen.“

It is widely believed that someone’s privilege is a non-physical entity that cannot actually be handed over to someone.  According to science however, this is a flawed concept.  The “privilege cortex” is in fact a spherical luminescent globe (varying in size based on the amount of privilege one has) that resides behind the tonsils.  Although tonsils were long thought to be a vestigial structure, they are in fact there to protect the privilege cortex from being damaged by food, like pizza or falafel.   

The Privilege Check Room will work much like a coat check.  People who wish to check their privilege will register at the front desk.  After this, a certified privilege physician will perform a short and painless operation to remove the privilege cortex.  The privilege is then deposited into the privilege galleria: a vault-like structure that is temperature and pressure controlled to prevent damage to the privileges.  The client may have their privilege reinserted by the aforementioned physician upon graduation.  If they do not wish to have their privilege reinserted, they may also have their privilege cremated and returned to them in a decorative urn.  

Participant Alexandra Van Buren comments, “This sounds like a great idea.  After the Privilege Check Room is built I won’t need to worry about accidentally talking about the trip I took to the Bahamas during Wintersession, making all my friends uncomfortable.”

While many are singing the praises of this new innovation, some students protest this new installation, claiming that everyone has the right to their privilege and the room will pressure students into giving up their privileges.