Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Wellesley to Construct Solid Gold Hillary Statue

On Tuesday it was announced that Wellesley will begin to build a 40-meter tall statue of Hillary Clinton.  The statue will be in the middle of Sev Green and constructed completely out of 24 karat gold. 

Many colleges have a statue of their founder or mascot somewhere on campus.  It was recently brought to the Senate’s attention that Wellesley lacks such a spirited monument.  A debate quickly ensued about what statue the college should build.  The first idea was to have a statue of the college’s founder, but this idea was overturned because the council agreed that it was “crazy boring and stuff.”  The second idea was to have a statue of the school’s mascot, Blue.  The council discussed possible routes this could take, including a giant blue puddle or raindrop.  This idea was also turned down because, as one member stated, “we don’t want to draw attention to the fact that we have the world’s lamest mascot, the color blue.” It was eventually decided that the college will build a statue in honor of Wellesley’s unofficial mascot, Hillary Clinton.  

This endeavor will cost the college upwards of 46 million dollars.  “Of course this will be expensive,” one sophomore comments, “we need to import like, six hundred seventy five tones of gold.”

Along with being very pricy, the building of the statue is estimated to take up to five years.  While many students think this will inconvenience their studies, the Senate has come up for a solution.  Wellesley’s mandatory PE graduation requirement will be changed to “Statue Building.”  By doing this not will the college be able to employ free labor, but the students will also feel a sense of pride in the statue as their blood and sweat was literally put into building it.    

Shelly Sherman says, “Sure the building of this statue has its downsides. Will it literally cost the college millions of dollars? Yes. Will the statue’s height violate building codes? Probably. Will it inconvenience everyone on campus? Depends who you ask.  But will seeing our girl Hillary clad in gold gleaming in the sunlight be worth it all? That’s a definitely.”

The only thing left to be decided is what pose Hillary will be in.  Waving at the students as they pass by? Studiously reading a book? Holding a cell phone in her ‘texts from Hillary’ pose? All possibilities.  More to come as the events unfold.

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