Monday, February 25, 2013

Society to be Reviewed After Initiates Attempt to Steal Declaration of Independence

Wellesley College investigates society hazing after an unnamed society coerced new members into attempting to steal The Declaration of Independence as part of a “bonding exercise.” 

On the morning of Wednesday February 19th, the four new initiates took the train down to Washington D.C. to begin their escapade. The plan was to wait until dark to strike.  Eunice Roberts, a computer science major, would disarm the alarms from inside a large van inconspicuously parked in front of the National Archives.  Then Megan Richardson, a busty blond would distract the guards with here feminine charms.  Art History major Helena (but with a silent “h”) De Luca would then be lowered down from the ceiling Mission Impossible style, grab the Declaration from it’s glass casing, and throw it up to track star Georgia Adams, who would run the Declaration all the way back to the society’s house.

The plan quickly went south when Eunice drove the van back to campus midway through to get a head start on midterm studying, Megan’s ability to recite Shakespeare by memory failed to impress the guards, Helena (with a silent “h”) became distracted by a painting’s juxtapositional use of color and textures, and Georgia fell asleep on the roof of the building because she had been up since 4a.m. for cross country practice. 

While the four claim that the society members forced them into breaking the law, the society president claimed that stealing the Declaration of Independence was simply an “optional bonding exercise” for new members. 

The president of the society commented, “This kind of bonding exercise is something all society girls go through.  When I first joined the new initiates and I broke into the oval office and stole one of the president’s pens.  What we had them do was much less severe.  Also, I really don’t think it’s fair that we are the only society getting in trouble for this.  This is something that all societies do.  The TZE initiates stole a Greek statue from the British museum.  ZA stole the original handwritten copy of Pride and Prejudice.  Agora cut a hole in The Magna Carta.  This is completely unfair.”

As of the present the college is still considering what disciplinary rout to take.  

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